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[04 May 2010|06:54am] |
Comment To Be Added
Layout Credit - ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) supmama
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[16 Nov 2005|11:50am] |
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NEW JOURNAL!! Sorry guys if this is a hassle, but I'm tired of this journal name so I'm changing it (along with my screenname). If you care to read more about my life then head over to In_Taberna. If not, then dont add me. It's as simple as that. I'll see everyone over there. This will be my last post in this journal, so if you want you can delete this name from your friends lists. Adios!
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| I wish I never go to sleep. |
[11 Nov 2005|10:26am] |
This will be my last public entry everyone and possibly one of my last entries all together. I am thinking about quitting livejournal (at least writing in it) for various reasons. I find it boring to post about how my life sucks over and over. I mean lately its been ok...but the past keeps haunting me and I dont know what to do about it. I'm at the point where I am afraid to sleep in fear of the dreams I may have.
Last night I had this dream. Actually I had two. I went to sleep last night around 2:00 after hanging out with Amy and Carl who are back together (thank god). I couldn't get to sleep because I had a very disturbing dream about Anthony the night before. I closed my eyes and said over and over "I will not dream of Anthony". I didn't. I woke up at 6:00 when my alarm went off and then I reset it for 8:00. I get great satisfaction out of waking up early just to put my alarm hours later. So I set it for 8:00 and then I go back to sleep. Again..."dont think of Anthony...don't think of him". I went to sleep and then then he appeared in my dream.
In the dream, it was almost a continuation of the dream I had the previous night about him in which I saw him in a grocery store and we went out to dinner. We went back to his place and he told me we'd be together sometime. I was crying when I woke up that morning. Now in this dream it resumed in an apartment that was kind of a combination of his current apartment, and his father's apartment. We were in his bedroom and I was laying down on the bed thinking about all the people he must have been with. I was crying and he comes over and strokes my hair telling me it will be all right. He eventually confesses to me that he is seeing a couple people..."no one special". I specifically tell him I do not care to know any more...he knows that I'm lying. He ignores my request and he shows me a picture of this very cute, very blonde young man. They are Halloween pictures of the two of them and Anthony is wearing a blue Batman suit and the blonde kid is shirtless. I get very depressed that he showed these to me and I'm yelling at him. The door to his room opens and in comes Melique, Angelica, and Erica. Three of Anthony's friends. Melique makes some sarcastic remark and they say hello to me and give me awkward hugs...obviously not wanting nor expecting to see me there. They leave the room for a second and Anthony comes in and begins to try and seduce me. I get pissed off because I realize this is the way he's living his life...through seduction. I eventually give in when he promises love and compassion. However at one point he says how great sex is with the blonde kid. I get so furious and I throw my clothes back on. He starts to apologize as though he couldnt control the words that came out of his mouth. However before he is able to apologize his mother walks in ??? and his friends as well as a random gay guy who I assumed in my dream he was sleeping with as well. It was strange because his mother was a mix of Christina Aguilera and my previous ex (Anthony I)'s mother. Then there is this awkward moment as though Anthony and I were a show and everyone came in to watch. I got stage fright and I said "Goodbye Anthony" hoping he would stop me...say something...something. Nothing. He stands there with his mouth open unable to speak. I say "Goodbye" again and I walk out of the apartment. There is an elevator in the middle of the hallway with a chair in front of it that seems as though it is meant for me to sit in. I walk to the chair. I think *I should push the button and just get in and leave*. But I couldn't do it. I sat in the chair with the intention to wait for him to come to me...tell me he loves me. Tell me anything.
But then my alarm rings. It's 8:00 and I wake up. I didn't even know if he was going to come after me. I woke up scared to death with tears streaming down my face. I don't want to sleep anymore. I'm scared.
God. Please...just give me something...a conclusion. Or a possibility. I am afraid because the past keeps returning and I can no longer move on to create a future. I want a future...with him.
Is there no mercy.
*Sigh*.
Now an update on my life.
1. Just made a 150 dollar investment in someone...I should have at least 200 or so after Thanksgiving.
2. May have the chance to work for that guy, which means I may make 200 today...yay :)
3. Still sick as hell...ugh.
4. Working my ass off at Admissions...made quite the sum this week.
5. Going to be auditioning with my friend Mac for "Spring Awakening" the Off-Broadway musical in NYC. I'll be singing rather "Moving Too Fast" from The Last 5 Years, or "Chemical Party" by Gavin Degraw.
That is all. Life is decent. But I dont ever want to sleep again.
I miss you.
*EDIT*
I'm thinking about a new style/color for my hair. I really liked this color when I did it...
only no blonde on the sides...just the front.
And a cut something like this...
only a bit neater...not all over the place.
What do you think?
And also a bunch of quotes from the show I did...to summarize my state of mind
"Who knows what hellish chain of events will result from just one act of unconsidered goodness?"
Man reduced to his own resources is too wicked to be free. He must be governed...
I stand on this mountain and look out over a Universe robbed of salvation where human beings are so ugly they've stopped hating each other and hate themselves.
I've fallen too poor to be good. Never seem to be able to afford it...As for pity, it's something the strong give to those who they refuse to help.
...I've found nothing ever comes free. All free gifts have strings, so I always pay for them - it's cheaper.
I'll give you some hard wisdom, learnt the hard way, on my back. You're right to forgo copulation, if you can. I've spent long hard hours thinking about the problem. I ask, what good is copulation? What good is exploring forbidden orifices? Wat good is ecstacy? Saiety is quick and final . After the most sublime buttock-balling, everything returns - anxieties, debts, memories, old age, bad luck and worse breathe. The consolations of the carnal are fixed and short. Power is better. Power is better than your best copulating.
There's a danger in names: too many names and so few of them the same. Names make people think they're different. True worth lies in blood, not names.
*END EDIT*
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[05 Nov 2005|01:49am] |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
fucking asshole....i just want to move on...will someone please...be there....
somebody...
god...
I hate this.
I'm so depressed.
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| Yay!! |
[27 Oct 2005|05:19pm] |
Ok...so guess who got amazing grades and didnt even have to work for them!!! ME!!!!
God...i love how I dont even try (compared to others), and yet I still manage to get almost straight A's. I rock.
Ok well first show tonight...im REALLY nervous. I'm excited at the same time though :) Wish me luck!!!
Last night was alot of fun...i was kinda drunk when I wrote that entry. A bunch of people came over and we partied hard. It was much fun. I have sexy pictures I'll post soon :)
Bye bye all.
a few quotes from the show...
(After Gaetani, the false pope commands the true pope Morrone to cease breathing and die.)
Gaetani: Died as gently as he lived, quiet as a mouse. He is the best we have to offer...for i must wrap him in oblivian. His everlasting lot will be wordless; blot out his example and his name, else men and women will know how near they came to Paradise. Hide him in darkness. Seven years since he died and I stand on this mountain and look out over a universe robbed of salvation where human beings are so ugly they've stopped hating each other and hate themselves. Men and women can no longer bear it. Do you hear us lord? Do you hear us?
Gaetani: No copulation tonight mistresses
Sophia: I'll give you some hard wisdom, learnt the hard way, on my back. You're right to forgo copulation, if you can. I've spent long hard hours thinking about the problem. I ask, what good is copulation? What good is exploring forbidden orifices? What good is ecstacy? Saiety is quick and final . After the most sublime buttock-balling, everything returns - anxieties, debts, memories, old age, bad luck and worse breathe. The consolations of the carnal are fixed and short. Power is better. Power is better than your best copulating.
Jacapone: There's a danger in names: too many names and so few of them the same. Names make people think they're different. True worth lies in blood, not names.
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| Ouch!!! |
[24 Oct 2005|12:19am] |
AHHH!!! My leg hurts :( It hurts so badly!!! Carl and I got in a fight. Don't worry it was all fun and games lol. Also me and Aubrey did as well. I'm suprisingly completly sober tonight (however in much much pain. And this time more physically than emotionally). It's quite nice. The day started....not to well. But it ended very nicely. It was quite relaxing (besides the power going out a couple times). I was able to get my computer somewhat restored (lord knows how). However I cant check my email, so I have to go to the library to do that. It's so strange.
My whole body aches. Shit. I'm afraid to take my clothes off because I'm sure I'm covered with bruises. But yea that is all. I'm off to sleep now. By the way, I'm going to start posting more entries friends only for now on. So this will probably be the last. Not because I dont want people seeing it, but because certain things I say about people I dont want to be seen by Simon's Rockers (believe me, its not pretty when drama goes round). So if your not added, comment more and I usually will add you.
Adios all. Have a good night.
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| Oh where oh where has my life gone |
[22 Oct 2005|08:04pm] |
Ah im so bored. Who does absolutly NOTHING on a Saturday night? Me apparently. *sigh*
Ok well I'm off to hang out with myself. Adios.
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| The things that have occured to me today. |
[21 Oct 2005|10:07pm] |
1. I cried over Anthony for hours. *Sigh*
2. I hit a D octave above middle C. My highest note to date.
3. I had the worst rehearsal of my life. I wanted to die.
4. I wanted to give blood...but I got blood taken a week ago for a stomach thing and didnt get the results back so I couldnt do it.
All right im done. Bye.
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[21 Oct 2005|04:18pm] |
ok...someone has broken into my livejournal account. There was a paragraph at the end of my last entry that said I wanted to kill myself....
Just letting everyone know that wasnt me at all.
Ok...I may have to change my account now. Just keeping you all posted.
This sucks.
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[21 Oct 2005|12:36pm] |
Sigh...today may suck.
1. Check mail/AIM stuff.
2. Go to gym at 1:00-1:45
3. Get blood drawn at 1:45 for Red Cross...thats right...im doing a good deed for the poor idiots who decided they would stick around through Katrina. People. (secretly hoping they draw all my blood out)
4. Going to Kellogg from 2:00-2:30 to sing my ass off.
5. Staying in bed watching rather Gentelmen's Agreement, or Now Voyager (I love Bette Davis...she's such a bitch!)
6. Rehearsal from 5:30-10:00 Kill me now.
7. Hanging out with Carl maybe.
8. Sleeping for one of the most uneventful weekends ever.
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[20 Oct 2005|11:32pm] |
I decided to quickly write an entry about probably my best friend out there Carl. Just because I feel like being nice tonight :)
So how did Carl and I meet??? Well when I first got here at Simon's Rock and I was meeting people, I was drawn to this cute kid with bleached white hair. I KNEW he had to be gay lol. It was Carl. However after many conversations while we did laundry and talked about where we came from and what we liked, I realized he was not gay. Unfortunatly. He was very much straight. As a matter of fact, he started to date a wonderful girl named Amy (hi amy!). So whenever Anthony would come up to hang out here at school with me, we'd usually hang out with Carl and Amy, because at that point I was rooming with Phil and Amy and Carl were over alot because Amy was close with Phil. Then things went bad with that and I kinda felt bad because I was sent away on my own and Carl was all the way upstairs (which is very far when we were just on the otherside of the bathroom originally lol) So after a while Carl moved downstairs too!!! To a triple double. Which was amazing. I hung out there alot with him/amy/anthony/and his roommate alex. So it was nice. He used my room sometimes, and I used his sometimes for video games and just hanging out. So then we left for the summer. It was sad. I was depressed for a while being apart from my few friends. Then along the summer sometime he and Amy were having problems so he'd talk to me which made me feel really good because I was like...oh i have a real friend who actually talks to me about stuff :)
So yea, that was nice. Then he came to visit me over the summer when I lived in Brooklyn Heights. He stayed for a weekend and it was nice. We hung out, didnt get into a club because I was too young and Anthony's ID didnt work lol...that was funny. And then we went to Anthony's house. It was nice.
THEN Anthony and I went through alot of shit, and Carl was there to listen and provide insight as well. It was wonderful. Then we got back to school. It was so nice seeing carl pick me up at the bus station. We walked back to school together. Its great...he's the only straight male who I have ever become so close to. Its really nice. And he understand me so much. Like...my views and morals about life. We're very much at the same point. We think somewhat different things, but for the most part, we have VERY similar beleifs about life, living, and coping. He's a great person and I hope that we remain friends even after I leave here. He has probably been the best of friend that I have ever had. And I'm really thankful for that. So Carl, if you ever read this, which I doubt you will lol, thank you.
All right, now I AM off lol...adios.
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| Apology: |
[20 Oct 2005|10:34pm] |
An apology to all those who read the very angry entry I posted regarding my own difficulties handling Anthony's absence. I am having alot of trouble and sometimes I vent and say mean things I dont really mean. The intent was there, but not everything was pure.
So I apologize.
Today was a long day. Rehearsal has kept me in the theatre for up to six hours today. It's litterally like work. Only its work that I'm getting 3 credits and no pay for. It sucks. I hate how the technical theatre people get paid when they do just as much work as the actors. Only ours is mental while theirs is physical. I was hoping to hang out with Carl tonight, but I think I'm actually going to have to sleep. Ugh. Ok so catching up on the movies I watched...a conclusion of the list I made earlier, only covering those that I didnt see at that point.
Ringu 2: Ok...it was good. I mean...sequels are always sequels. Period. They're hardly ever better (such was the case). There were alot of dumb points. Especially a fairly significant death that...just...shouldnt have happened. The main character for this movie was the same one that was in Rasen, which was weird, because they completly ignored all the plot points in the movie, but they just kinda said..."ok...now you can watch Ringu and then Rasen...OR Ringu 2. And thats it...you cant watch all three and have them all be true. But i mean..I'm bashing the movie a bit too much. It had its moments. The end was VERY similar to the end of The Ring 2 (american). Only...a bit...weirder. I dont know...it was strange. I still dont know exactly what happened in the end lol. I'm still a bit confused! But overall it was a nice movie. Not too exceptional, not too bad.
Ringu 0 - Ok...now I thought I would love this movie. I really did. But...ok...words cannot describe how fucking much...I am OBSESSED with this movie. It was...just...amazing. I watched it twice. It surpassed all my expectations. It was mostly drama, but there was a pretty creepy scene near the end. It rocked. It was soooo good. I mean, I still have ALOT of questions about the movie, but whatever...its cool. I enjoyed it, and it was definitly the best of the series.
A Tale of Two Sisters - Holy shit...just...amazing. It was probably one of the best horror films that I've seen. Much better than the Ring movies...by far. It seemed more...american to me. I mean I guess because it was Koren, it didnt have the same "tone" to it or whatever. But it was really nice. I loved it. It was kind of confusing a bit at points and it really DID leave you guessing to the end. I havent had enough time to watch it again, but I probably will. It's very...out there. And you need to think. But I enjoyed it.
I also got a present to send to Anthony, something I know he'll enjoy. I'm probably going to send him things every once in a while so he knows I care :) If you guys dont like it, TOUGH!!! :)
All right, well Carl may be coming over after all. Adios world.
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| Ok.... |
[17 Oct 2005|10:44pm] |
All right well I said I wasnt going to be on much because of my broken computer, however I cannot live without the internet, so I'm going to make it a goal to get to the computer lab as much as I can to read/write/reply/so on and so forth. Ok well first of all my first package came from Amazon in it was Ringu, Rasen (The Spiral), Ringu 2, and Ringu 0. Ok...now let me say a bit about them.
Ringu: The original "The Ring". Japanese film made in 1998ish. Really really great film. It is pretty much identical in many ways to the American version only it gives more background to the story of Sadako (Samara in America). It is very very stereotypical Jap-Horror in its content. You know...overplayed emotion, humility, and comic work in a horrific context. I love this shit. I am becoming such a fan of Asian horror films. I think the American version honestly was a bit better because of the way it was filmed and just because of Daveigh Chase (Samara)...just because she was so fucking great. And creepy as hell. Mix these 2 movies together and you have the perfect movie.
Rasen: (pronounced Rah-sen)Ok...now after Ringu was made in Japan, they decided to make a sequel based on the book, because there were three books. Ring, Spiral, and Loop. Now I saw this movie today and I must say I was not disappointed at all. It is about a friend of a guy who died in the first film and he has to do an autopsy on the body. He finds a messege that says "present" and then he gets the tape. He watches it but doesnt die 7 days later...so he tries and figures out why. Now this movie was intersting for many reasons.
1. It was strictly to the text of the second book, so therefore everything was structured somewhat strangely for a movie.
2. They killed off a couple of the main characters from Ringu, although you dont even see them at all in Rasen. But that is an important point.
3. The best part was the constant mockery of American film. You know the typical "man pulls back shower curtain to find woman dead in bathtub" scenario that occurs oh so often in Western horror? Yea...they mock that...big time. Oh I love American mockery. It's so....easy :)
Many people called this movie crap because it ended a way that pretty much says the world will end. Period. Evil DOES win in this movie and the main character DOES give into the temptation of evil and it is never resolved for the good side. Morality and ethics are thrown out the door with this one. A perfect example of a good asian horror film. A good film in general I believe. It ends as the book does...which makes it impossible to make a sequal off of. So this is what they do.
Ringu 2 - Ok...so because of the apparent failure in the box office of Rasen, they pretended it didnt exist (aka got rid of some of the deaths that occured in it) and made Ringu 2. It is a direct sequel including the exact same characters that were in Ringu. I've not seen it yet, but I know that alot of the stuff that happens is a bit similar but VERY different than the American Ring 2. And MUCH better. I am probably going to watch it tonight though.
Ringu 0 - Prequel time!! Ok...I have been SO fucking excited for the movie. Reviews say its the best of the series. More dramatic than it is scary though which is fine with me. It's about the entire story of the girl Sadako (again, the Japanese version of Samara). And how she was "born from the sea" and how she is/was a hermaphrodite. It's REALLY interesting storywise and I havent even seen it. I'm so excited.
A Tale of Two Sisters - One of the most sucessful Asian (Korea) films. It's about a haunted house or some shit like that. I dont know. I'm going to watch it tonight and we'll see. But yea...I'm looking forward to it.
All right...well that's it. It's off to my room now to reach Neitchze (sp?). Adios all!
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| Back at School |
[17 Oct 2005|09:51am] |
Ok so break went pretty well. It kinda was a conclusion to ALOT of things. I suprisingly learned alot about myself in one simple week...and I realized I'm growing up alot. I mean...I'm sick of games, I'm sick of drama, and I'm sick of homophobes. I'm tired of holding onto issues that should have been delt with years ago. I'm just tired of the bullshit. I want that point of my life where everything can be good. I want to find a good job, a good school, a good home, and eventually a husband who will be amazing...although I already know who that's going to be :). I just want to relax. I'm sick of working too hard only to make others happy and to just come in second. I want to be the best at what I do. I really do...and I'm trying. I just wish you were there to catch me if I fall. And I think you are...I just dont see you right now.
This last week has been amazingly crazy and beneficial. I've learned SO god damned much. Every second. I come back to school and I'm such a different person. My perspectives of my life have changed completly. It's so strange.
Oh by the way...my computer is so broken...so I'm not going to be on AIM as often and I wont be able to comment or check stuff as often either. But I'll make time :) Don't worry!
Adios all.
Tom "Kiko"
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[15 Oct 2005|07:24pm] |
it seems that the world doesnt like me today...its one of THOSE days...
AAAAARRRRRGGGGGG
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| Shopping |
[14 Oct 2005|06:01pm] |
What I got with Dad:
1. Red Silk tie from Kenneth Cole...now if I only had a black shirt to wear it with!
2. Boot cut dark jeans from Express.
3. Nice beige short sleeve shirt from Express.
4. 2 Ralph Lauren wifebeaters. One white and one black.
5. FABULOUS Diesel shoes...omg...I love them. Black with some red threading and prints...AMAZING shoes.
yay!
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